How the Soviet Union Actually Fell

 

Image source: nytimes.com

About a year ago, I wrote a post entitled The Truth About Russia, where I addressed some misinformation and misconceptions about Russia. If you haven't read that post already then feel free to take a look.

Now, in this post that you are reading right now, I would like to cover another topic related to Russia, and that is the fall of the Soviet Union. We've all read about it in history books, but it's important to note that just because a history book says an event happened a certain way does not mean it is accurate.

Without any further ado, I will tell you the story of how the Soviet Union actually fell.

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Between the 1920s and 1960s, the Soviet Union was a communist country populated and ruled by humans. If you don't know what communism is, it is essentially a political and economic system where the government owns everything. The civilians of a communist country do not own anything themselves; their stuff is instead owned by the government. This means that the government of one of these countries reserves the right to take away all a person's belongings without warning. Communist governments can also employ secret police to spy on individuals and take action if they say something against the government.

In the year 1968, something quite unexpected happened in the Soviet Union. The Soviet Government began receiving threats from anthropomorphic penguins of Antarctica. These penguins, not to be confused with normal penguins that you see in the zoo, stated that they would give the Soviet Union exactly two years to turn over the Soviet land, otherwise, serious action would be taken. Don't ask me how this happened or how it's possible because even I have no idea, just know that it did.

The Soviet Government ignored this warning, because they thought that penguins do not have the ability to take serious action. Little did they know that these were not just any ordinary penguins.

So, the Soviet Government waited two years, thinking nothing would happen, until August 19, 1970 when somebody spotted hundreds of hot air balloons floating high in the sky. A comrade had a binocular handy, so he decided to get a closer look. When he looked through the binocular, he saw that in the hot air balloons were odd-looking penguins with black feathers, white bellies, and red beaks. They were making a fist shape and shaking their wings, so they clearly meant business. Confused and slightly afraid, the comrade alerted the rest of the soldiers of this strange phenomenon.

The rest of the soldiers came over to have a look for themselves, but by the time they got there, the hot air balloons were out of sight. The penguins had landed in a distant field and were planning an attack.

That night, when no one was expecting it, the penguins stealthily entered Moscow, which at the time was a large city. What happened next is unknown, but what we do know is that the penguins did something that started a war.

This war between the Antarctican anthropomorphic penguins and the humans of the Soviet Union, known as the Penguin Revolution, lasted exactly one month, ending on September 19, 1970.

The penguins won the war, and the humans of the Soviet Union decided to form new countries, such as modern-day Ukraine, Moldova, and many more. The remaining area, now known as Russia, was claimed by the penguins and became their new home. This was the true ending of the Soviet Union.

The penguins then spent five years spreading snow across the entirety of Russia. This process included removing the Russian portion of Earth's crust leaving only bedrock exposed, and replacing the crust using snow. During this process, the penguins of course had to remove every building in Russia too. However, this worked out quite well, because they were able to build new cities and igloos using snow and ice bricks. Some previously large cities became small villages with a few igloos spread out miles between each other. This is the case with Moscow among many others.

By December 21, 1978, the entire rebuilding process was complete after taking three years, and a penguin by the name of Hugo was unanimously chosen to be the first penguin to rule Russia.

After that, the non-military anthropomorphic penguins immigrated to Russia, and now, Russia is almost completely populated by penguins, with the exception of a few seals, walruses, seagulls, and yetis.

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And that's it! I do hope you learned something from reading this post, and that people would someday believe the true story of how the Soviet Union fell.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that Russia is no longer a communist country. With the fall of the Soviet Union also came the fall of Soviet communism.

--ILikeSlugs